Where's the beef? Part 1

What Now?

There is a conspiracy going on in my house. I don't know exactly when it started, and I'm not sure how long it is going to last, but it is something that will affect me in a deep and possibly disturbing way. My wife, the family chef and buyer of food products, is slowly but surely working meat out of our family diet. MEAT MAN...MEAT I SAY! A few days ago it was taco night at our household...a weekly tradition loved by myself and our kids. My wife worked in the kitchen preparing the meal while my girls and I set the table. We all sat down as my wife brought out all the fixings....taco shells, black beans, lettuce, diced tomatoes, avocados, cheese, sour cream and the taco meat..."um, what is wrong with the taco meat?" I asked. "Nothing, why?" she replied. "Well, it seems to be a different color than I remember." I say, trying real hard to to have any critical tone in my voice whatsoever...remember, she is the sole provider of eatable meals in our house so I don't want to rock that boat. "It's a little different, that's all" came her response. OK, no biggie I guess...and I join the rest of the crew and load up a couple of nice, nice tacos. After a couple of bites I glance at my wife and she is looking around at us with a very sheepish look, almost like she knew something and was trying to see if anybody else would figure it out. Our eyes meet and she asks "so, how do you like your tacos?" Now I am growing suspicious....I mean, she knows I love tacos so why ask. And that look...something is up. "So what makes this taco meat different from before?" I ask in a very probing way. "Just a different brand I guess." she says. Hmmm, what is my next move. Ah ha..."oh, looks like I need a little more water.....I'll be right back." As I head to the kitchen to refill my glass, I can feel her stare on the back of my neck like a hot poker. I stroll by her dinner prep area and see it, stop in my tracks, pick it up and turn around to look back at my wife. In my hand is a box for "tofu taco filling", on my face is a look that can only be described as a giant WTF. I am about to blow the lid off my wife's little trickery when she says, a little louder than normal "so girls, how do YOU like your tacos?" "Great!", "Love them!" Then I get the look from her that can best be described as "DON'T OPEN YOUR DUMB PIE HOLE!" I drop the box back on the counter top, get my water, return to my seat and continue to eat my tacos. To be honest, they are pretty damn good. I don't know what her game is...but after we put the kids to bed I am sure as hell going to find out....

Peace Out Dads!

Lame Blogger

What Now?

I think with everything in life sometimes you just don't got it. I really started to find my groove with this blogging thing and then BOOM, nothing last week. I don't know if it was a lack of material, a lack of interest, or just staying busy with other things. Last week I had actual work related stuff I needed to take care of, which was nice for a change. Plus, the local university posted a job that I am really interested in getting so I spent a lot of time working and reworking my resume and cover letter (with the help of my loving wife and many, many others!). We also had a crazy weekend with two, yes two, kids sleepovers. Friday night my wife's sister was in town with her boys and the next night we had some of our girls friends over while their mom went out on the town. Plus there is all the normal day-to-day stuff that will swallow you whole if you let it. My wife and I have determined that a lot of our time is taken up with laundry, cooking and dishes. Just when we get clothes put away we have a basket full again. Between breakfast and dinner we eat off of and clean more dishes than I thought we even owned (thank goodness the school feeds the kids lunch on weekdays, bless you popcorn chicken and yummy cheese sandwiches!).

I know, all very lame excuses but it's the best I got. I think there was also a lack of inspiration and interest on my part. Sometimes I just don't want to write about things. I know this makes my number one fan, my wife, sad. She loves reading my posts just to remember something funny that happened in our family or to get my take on a certain situation. My wife just emailed me with thought on topics I could touch on. She suggested talking about living with a wife trying to go vegetarian...not bad, but I should save that for another time...too good to put in this post!

I think I'm just in a blogger slump. I think all bloggers must go through this, just like areas of life. But I'll pull out, and already I can picture my next post "WIFE TRIES TO FORCE FEED GREEN VEGGIES TO FAMILY AND CUT OUT MEAT....OH THE HUMANITY.

Peace Out Dads!

No tricks, no treats, no way, no how!

What Now?

Kids are funny. Just when you think you have them figured out they hit you with something straight out of left field and send you back to the parenting drawing board. Case in point, my 5 year old and Halloween. For most kids, normal kids, Halloween night is second only to Christmas morning on the kids holiday scale of awesomeness. You get to dress up as whatever you want, you get to stay up way past your normal bedtime and you get more candy than you can possibly eat in one sitting. Does it really get any better than that?

Well, for my youngest child it can. Leading up to the big night she acts like any other normal year old child. She decides to be Strawberry Shortcake, and can it get more adorable than that? Funny side story here, when my wife googled Strawberry Shortcake costumes for our little girl she found this. Not exactly what she had in mind for our child, but I thought it might work for her...she was not amused. Anyway, back to my story. After deciding on a costume our youngest helped decorate, carve pumpkins and participate in just about all other pre-Halloween activities.

The one thing we knew going in was that she is scared of most of the spookier Halloween decorations. Hell, she won't step one foot in the door at Micheal's because of the stuff they have on display there. Even knowing that, we didn't expect the full on boycott of all things trick or treat when the big night came. Our usual plan is to pack the kids in the car and drive to certain houses/neighborhoods so we hit all the really good houses and see friends in the process. The first couple homes we hit were of the scary variety. Our oldest loves going to these homes because they also give out the best candy. It's these trips that I stay in the car with the youngest while my wife takes our oldest door to door. After the first couple we see some friends and some standard, jack-o-lantern only types houses. Nope, not getting out even for those. "What, come on "R", these houses aren't scary." Nope, not getting out of the car, not going to the door and not interested in the candy. Really? This kid is not candy motivated? Shit, what else do we have then? I mean, if we can't even get her out of the car to walk a few feet and say three little words for candy what chance do we have to get her to do anything? Candy is the one motivation most parents keep as plan Z when nothing else works. I could offer my oldest candy as a reward and get the house cleaned, the dog walked and lawn mowed all before 10am if I needed too.

So, there I sat in the car trying to talk our youngest to at least give it a try...nope, not a chance. We got home and my oldest started organizing her candy and getting set up for some late night movie watching. My youngest took off her costume, put on her pj's, and wanted my wife to take her to bed. When my wife came back down I just looked at her with amazement over the nights activities. She smiles and said in a calming voice "at least we won't have to worry about peer pressure with her." Good point!

Peace Out Dads!

Spam you very much

Happy Friday Everyone. While you are wasting time on the internet make sure to head over to Dad Blogs for Fatherhood Friday. Great bloggers are found there...do it right after you read mine!

What Now?

As a little Internet experiment I am going to post the subject line of the next few spam emails I get, with my own commentary of course. While I absolutely hate getting spam, I sometimes find the subject lines to be very entertaining, I hope you do too.

ADD POWER TO YOUR HUSBAND\'S HAMMER - I don't have a husband, and if I did I don't know how powerful I would want his hammer to be...sounds dangerous!

Magic stick - Is this some Harry Potter promotion or something? My wife is the HP fan, maybe I should see if she needs the Magic stick?

Do You Honestly Think You'll Be Able To Ever Retire? - Boy, I hope so. Maybe I should quit my Starbucks addiction, that should help.

Pick your free 800% BONUS - Now we're talking! This should help me retire...suck on that emailer from before!

your score has been updated - What score...what did I miss? It's really hard to win if you don't know someone is keeping score or what it's been updated too? I hope this doesn't mess up my 800% bonus!

Bring your manhood to an unbelievable level - Don't all guys want girls to believe the unbelievable when it comes to their manhood? Me, I like working with the believable so nobody gets let down.

Discover the reliable source of cheap and quality drugs - First off, nice English! I am surprised the manager of this supplier for good, inexpensive drugs let this email fly out the door before proofreading it. I bet it hurts their business to have such poor work come from their employees.

If you have a huge stick, women will never tell you to get out of bed - Unless this huge stick can start the coffee, make breakfast, get the kids ready for school and take the dog for a walk my wife will not be allowed to stay in bed.

Find cheap alternative to expensive American medications - I think I've just uncovered the solution to our health care problem!

Fox News are liers - When did the White House start spamming, and do they know about the cheap alternatives to expensive American medications?

Get a deal on your own dance floor - Thank God, I can't tell you how expensive your own dance floor can be, and these Jazz hands aren't working on the linoleum so well.

10.31% off Halloweeeeeeeeeen Sale on Car Swag - This is such a better deal then the lousy 10% you usually get on Halloweeeeeeeeen Car Swag!

Enjoy your day everyone!

PEACE OUT DADS!

Fakin' it

What Now?

We have all done it. My friends did it. My brother and sister did it. My wife did it. Hell, I did it all the time. Every kid that has gone to school has done it at least once in their life. Faking sick to stay home from school. The weather sucks, you have a test you haven't studied for, your friends pissed you off the other day...whatever the reason is you just don't want to go to school and the only way your parents are going to let you skip classes is if you are sick, really sick. When you grow up and become a contributing member of society you still do it, but you call it a mental health day. You make your voice sound raspy and out of breath, call your office and tell them you just don't feel well and think it's best that you stay home. Kids don't get off so easy. Their performance is in front of a live audience. An audience that that discredits their act even before it starts, and looks for any and all flaws that might prove the performer is just "acting" the part.

On Saturday our youngest was complaining of a sore throat, upset stomach and headache and she was burning up, 102 temperature. My wife, ever the illness inspector, took her in to see the doctor right away because, in case you are unaware...there is apparently some pig virus causing a bit of a panic right now. It turned out not to be the pig thing, and instead was just strep throat. We spend the weekend in chill mode and waiting on her hand and foot, because that is what you do with a sick child to keep peace in the house.

It was determined on Sunday evening that our patient would have to miss school on Monday. It only took about 15 minuets after that decision was made for our oldest to sharpen up her thespian skills and put on her show. "Dad, Mom....my stomach hurts." You could almost hear the violins playing in the background. As a veteran of such theatrics I knew what was going on here, but my wife insisted we take her seriously just in case she was indeed "sick".

Our oldest must have gotten such a good night of sleep she forgot act 1 of her show and proceeded to go about her normal morning routine, full of energy and ready for the day. After a little while the light bulb must have gone off. "Mom, Dad....my stomach still hurts and I don't feel well". Really???? I immediately start with 20 questions, trying to break my daughter and make her admit this was a fake out. Again, my wife interceded and checked my daughter out. No temperature. I knew it!! FAKER, FAKER....NOW I HAVE TO TAKE HER..too school. My wife convinced our oldest to go to school but did give her a get out of school card free with promise we would come get her if she started feeling worse.

It was a miserable day. Rain, wind, dark sky. Heck, I wanted to leave my office, go home and crawl into bed. It was about 1pm when I got the call from the school nurse. "Your daughter is here in the office complaining of a stomach ache" (how do kids know to go with the stomach ache....no way to tell if it really hurts or not, brilliant!). Again, no fever but she says she feels bad. She must have looked out the window too. And, it didn't help that one of her good friends from school left with his parents about an hour before because his stomach hurt. What to do, what to do. If I go get her I give her the knowledge that faking a stomach that hurts gets you out of school. If I don't get her I am the Dad that keeps their kid in school with a potential life threatening stomach pain. Hmmmmmmmmm, tough choice.

After I picked her up and got her home she again suffered a quick memory lapse by running upstairs and in a very healthy sounding voice told her sister she got to stay home too. Big faker! You win this round little one, but I am on to you.

PEACE OUT DADS!

That really grinds my gears!!!

What Now?

Like all good parents who don't want their children get violently ill from the seasonal flu we scheduled shots way back in early September. The earliest we could get in to get their shots was late October. That seems a little late considering it only takes 10 seconds per kid, but whatever, we can be patient and hope Mr. Flu does not visit our house for almost 2 months. Yesterday I get a call from our pediatrician informing me they had to cancel the flu shot appointment for my kids. Hmmm, OK...."why?" I ask. "It's because we have ran out of our seasonal flu shots." says the nice lady on the other end of the phone. "When can we reschedule?" I ask. "We are not sure since we don't know if we'll be getting anymore of the seasonal flu shot." says the lady on the phone. "Ummm, OK...."what are you suggesting parents do in this situation?" I ask. "Um, well...you could try going to a local pharmacy." said the bitch on the phone who clearly does not care if my children get sick or not. I normally hate using just acronyms in my blog posts but WTF!!!! How in bloody hell do you run out of the seasonal flu shot in mid-October? Did you not think the same number of parents would want their kids to get it, or do you think that exposing kids to the seasonal flu is a better option then giving them the fucking shot? My wife looked up reasons for running out of the flu shot and found out the same people that make the seasonal flu shot are also making the H1N1 vaccine....and we don't have that around here either.

After a week of hearing about banks making record profits but still not lending to clients and investment firms paying out their huge bonuses again I was already loosing my faith in the American Dream...then I get news that my kids can't get flu shots because they ran out!!! That shit really grinds my gears. I am normally pretty level headed and don't rant that much, but come on people!

Am I alone on this, do you feel the same way, is there something that really grinds your gears? Let me know about it and I'll post the best gear grinders in my next post!

PEACE OUT AND LET ME HEAR IT DADS!

Make my day!

What Now?

For most families there is a certain routine to each and every day of our lives. Of course you get the odd event that changes the daily routine slightly, but for the most part each and every day is the same. I could draw a road map of my day, give it to a complete stranger, and rest assured they could follow it just like I do without fail. It's the routine that sometimes drives us crazy, making us long for the days when you never knew which direction your life would take from the second you opened your eyes to wake up each morning. It's also the routine that reminds you what is really important in life. With that I would like to present the top ten things I look forward too each and every day, routine or not.

1. I am the first one in the family up most days to make the coffee, start the computer and let the dog out. I'm half asleep and most times wishing I was still in bed, but I love the 15 minuets of quiet!

2. My girls are usually awake about a half hour after me. They zombie walk downstairs, curl up on the couch and turn on a little morning TV. After they have woken up a little bit I take their breakfast orders. I am not the cook in the family but I am the breakfast maker. I make a bit of a production out of it by taking their orders, setting a nice table, calling them to eat. It's not gourmet, but it's good enough for me.

3. My wife is the last one up, but she deserves it. She comes down, makes her coffee and we exchange a kiss and a booty pat/grab. It could be my favorite part of the morning.

4. My wife and I take turns dropping off our girls at their school, and I love when it's my turn. To see how excited they get meeting their friends for the day is so heart warming. Oh, if I could be a fly on the wall for the whole school day!

5. It doesn't happen every day, but there are some mornings my Mom will call me to join here for coffee. We meet at Starbucks and catch up a little. I feel pretty lucky to have that connection with my Mom, and I love the coffee!!

6. I get to pick up our girls from school each day and my youngest rides a bus from her kindergarten class to the main school. I make sure to be there waiting before the bus pulls up so I can wave to her (and all of her classmates) as the bus drives up. When she gets off the bus she runs to me yelling "Hi daddy!" in the cutest voice ever. Those are the moments that just melt my heart!

7. When we get home from school and before my wife comes home from work I have my opportunity to work out. It is my time for me and I love to work up a good sweat. That one hour each day makes the other 23 so much better in so many ways.

8. When my wife gets home from work I get my kiss and booty pat/grab for the second time of the day, but since it's been about 8 hours since I last saw her I milk it just a little bit longer. If not for the kids wanting 100% of her attention I would carry her upstairs and do very adult things with her....but, that is not the life of a parent so I gladly step aside and give in to MOM time.

9. After dinner, game/movie time and book reading it's time to put the kids to bed. My oldest, in an attempt to stay up longer, will give me about a weeks worth of information all at once. While I know this is a going to be prevention exercise, I just love listening to her. It's really my best opportunity to hear what is going on in her world straight from her.

10. After the kids are asleep and the house is quiet again it's just me and my wife. Even if numbers 1-9 on my list don't fulfill my day like normal I know that this one will. I almost hate going to bed knowing I have to wait so long for that time again, but when it comes it's so worth the wait.

PEACE OUT DADS!