Monday, September 28, 2009

You're sh!##ing me, right doc?

What Now?

This week I get to enjoy the wonderful experience of the yearly physical. I have started making these visits each year for the past 5 or so, you know, when you hit the early to mid-30's, things start to not look like, act like or feel like they used to when you were younger. I myself would probably have been one of those pig-headed guys who only saw the doctor when I had a major problem, like a dangling limb or severe head trauma. But, I have a paranoid mother and a more paranoid wife that would not let me get anything done until I made that annual appointment. Now, in their defense I must say they only pester me because they care about me and would like me to hang around this floating rock as long as possible. Either that or they have conspired together to pester me so much that I will die of annoyance soon and they will be rid of me once and for all. Hmmmmm.

It is in my best interest to get the innards looked at once a year. My family has a history of high cholesterol and prostate cancer (just found out Dad had it a couple of weeks ago). At my appointment a couple of years back I found out my cholesterol level was on the low side of bad, which is very close to the the high side of good so I don't know what the big deal was. I went on medication and dropped that number like it was hot. Then I got on this exercise and health kick and have lost over 20 lbs. since that appointment and have been off the medication since the first of the year, so I am excited to see where my numbers are now.

Here is where my story gets ugly. A week before I get to be fondled and invaded by a dude, I have to get my blood taken for lab work. This has never been an issue in the past so I had no worries as I checked myself in that morning...oh, except for fasting. I was horse eating hungry by the time I got to the office! I was called in, the nice nurse lady took three tubes of blood, she told me that I needed to leave a urine sample before I left, and then she pulled out the white envelope. I have never seen the white envelope before. It must be some kind of survey or something, you know..."How are we doing, did you enjoy your visit, should our nurses be better looking", that kind of thing. The next sentence out of her mouth would change me forever....

"This is your stool smear packet, it's pretty self explanatory but I can go over it with you if you like."

What the what? Are you kidding me? I am sure she could have gone into the gory details for me, but just hearing the words "stool" and "smear" alone made me throw up in my mouth just a little. I grabbed this little while envelope from her, pissed in the cup, and got the hell out of that place. I had the damn thing open before I hit the seat of my car and started reading.

Now, I too could go into the gory details of this little surprise with you, but I imagine you get the gist of it. I got home and set it on the table. My wife looked at it, looked at me and asked "is that a.......", before she could even finish I said yes and left the room. I could hear her laughing as I marched upstairs and crawled into bed. I don't know what it is about this little test that is causing such a problem for me. I have helped raise two human beings and there is not much that grosses me out anymore. This however raised the stakes...big time!

Well, as I right this post I can say I have completed 2/3 of the test (oh yes, there are three parts!) and I am doing OK. I should finish up soon and be ready for the real fun of the actual physical. Three cheers for getting older!!!



  1. I used to work in a doctor's office. More specifically in the Medical Records department. One of our jobs was to sort the mail that came in each day. When I first started, I would get these white envelopes. Not knowing what it was, I was going to open it and give the contents to the respective doctor. But I was stopped just mere seconds before cutting it open.


    But now, I touch at least one of my kids poop everyday.. But I think it's a guy thing not to want to poop on the slide.. I turn 35 in November.. I'm dreading the slide and the glide.. :\

  2. Please tell my husband to go get this stuff done. he is such a pansie!

  3. hey, least a poop smear(haha poop smear-pap smear get it?) is better than putting a sample in a cup. lol that's maybe better than getting a lubed gloved finger up your nether regions unexpectedly. glad you're taking care of yourself...just do it & get it over with. just think, you won't have to do that for another year. :0) lol

  4. Getting older is so much fun! I have to admit I've had some pretty gross tests done, but I've never pooped on a slide. That sounds just lovely. I have, however, had to poop in a cup. That's even more fun. Aren't you glad you only have to do this once a year?

  5. hahah this picture is awesome, goes well with your post!

  6. What a crappy day for you!! You must be pooped after all that...

    I thought getting the slamogram was bad...