Sunday, September 6, 2009

We return to the WND Top Ten - Sleeping Perfection

What Now?

I'm back with #5 in my own personal What Now Dad top ten post list. I have gone with a post that describes the bed time routine of my wife, who, admittedly goes through this insane ritual and still does not sleep that great. I now know what her nights are like as I myself, a champion among champion sleepers, has had a few restless nights. One new item to add to her list includes propping a magazine in the window at just the right spot to block out any light coming from the outside street light located about half a block away. Oh, and it's just the light that is not getting blocked by the two massive trees we have in our front yard, oh and the closed blinds too. That is some persistent light that she has to wonder she has a hard time sleeping!

Sleeping with the bionic woman.

When reading the title of this post there is a chance you might think I am writing about something else...something sexual. Before you get too excited please rest assured that this is about sleep, and nothing more than sleep. It should still entertain you, but I didn't want your hopes built up and then squashed like a bug. So with that, here goes...

I am one of those people that has no problem whatsoever sleeping. I fall asleep fast, stay asleep all night, and wake up refreshed and ready for the day (for the most part). My wife on the other hand is the complete and total opposite. It takes her forever to get to sleep, she will wake up at just about anything (to be explained further) and mornings are, let's just say a little rough on her.

Her pre-bed routine goes a little something like this:

1. Make sure all lights are out, including, but not limited too nightlights, street lights, flash lights, lighting and lightning bugs. And I mean out! If you think that closing a door of a bathroom with a nightlight is sufficient, you are so wrong.

2. Make sure the white noise is on and set at the proper volume. In our bedroom the bedroom fan serves this purpose. To control the volume the door to the bathroom must be no more and no less than 6 inches open. Stray from this measurement will only require trying again.

3. Make sure all 6 pillows are in their proper place. I think she could have double this amount, but then I would be sleeping on the floor.

4. Make sure the door to the girls room is open the right amount. This is close to the 6 inch rule for our bathroom door, but there is a little more flexibility here.

5. Make sure the TV is on, but at a low volume, until she is close to sleep. If she is in control of this I get to watch some fat chick cooking and not being able to hear what she is talking about. If I am in control I can watch what I like, but still not hear.

She may also need a little "self-medication" help in the form of a Tylenol PM, but that is only in extreme circumstances. If all five steps are taken care of then it should only take an hour or two for her to drift into dreamland. If any of the above steps are changed while she is sleeping then the chances of her waking are high and it will take another couple of hours for her to get back to sleep. When you throw in visits from our youngest at 2am you can guess what the result is.

I try to skimp on some of the steps, but like the title says, I sleep with the bionic woman. Any flicker of light, variation in white noise or doors open or closed any more or less than the desired amount will be like a blaring alarm to her and will be required to be fixed. The woman has the thinnest eyelids and most sensitive hearing of any one person I know.

Fortunately for me, as I mentioned before, I sleep very well. So even with all the prep that needs to happen I can get the winks I need without much fuss. I love her to death, but I will never understand her sleep issues, thank god!



  1. I feel only pity for your wife.

    I used to sleep like you. I'd go to bed, fall asleep within seconds and stay in a deep sleep all night. NOTHING bothered me. I even slept through a house exploding on the next block when I was in my first year of marriage.

    Then came my first pregnancy and the chance to see night time over and over and over again. I really haven't slept deep since I got pregnant. That "baby" is 18 years old. These days I could have problems getting to sleep or staying asleep. Sleeping the night through is a crapshoot. Most of the time I lose.

    I do have to have the lights off and the fan on. Yes, I need the white noise, too. It doesn't have to be pitch dark, but close to it. Still, I never know when insomnia will hit.

    When my husband sings "Oh, What a Beautiful Morning" at the top of his lungs in the a.m. I know it's just because he is teasing me about what a NON-morning person I am. I just give him the glare of death. I have no sense of humor in the morning. For God's sake, just don't this to your wife in the morning.

    I'll just think good sleeping thoughts for your wife. I hope she rests well.

  2. I sit here and laugh. I completely understand how important these sleep conditions are and make my hubby nuts with my quirks too.