We return to the WND Top Ten - Sleeping Perfection

What Now?

I'm back with #5 in my own personal What Now Dad top ten post list. I have gone with a post that describes the bed time routine of my wife, who, admittedly goes through this insane ritual and still does not sleep that great. I now know what her nights are like as I myself, a champion among champion sleepers, has had a few restless nights. One new item to add to her list includes propping a magazine in the window at just the right spot to block out any light coming from the outside street light located about half a block away. Oh, and it's just the light that is not getting blocked by the two massive trees we have in our front yard, oh and the closed blinds too. That is some persistent light that she has to shade...no wonder she has a hard time sleeping!

Sleeping with the bionic woman.

When reading the title of this post there is a chance you might think I am writing about something else...something sexual. Before you get too excited please rest assured that this is about sleep, and nothing more than sleep. It should still entertain you, but I didn't want your hopes built up and then squashed like a bug. So with that, here goes...

I am one of those people that has no problem whatsoever sleeping. I fall asleep fast, stay asleep all night, and wake up refreshed and ready for the day (for the most part). My wife on the other hand is the complete and total opposite. It takes her forever to get to sleep, she will wake up at just about anything (to be explained further) and mornings are, let's just say a little rough on her.

Her pre-bed routine goes a little something like this:

1. Make sure all lights are out, including, but not limited too nightlights, street lights, flash lights, lighting and lightning bugs. And I mean out! If you think that closing a door of a bathroom with a nightlight is sufficient, you are so wrong.

2. Make sure the white noise is on and set at the proper volume. In our bedroom the bedroom fan serves this purpose. To control the volume the door to the bathroom must be no more and no less than 6 inches open. Stray from this measurement will only require trying again.

3. Make sure all 6 pillows are in their proper place. I think she could have double this amount, but then I would be sleeping on the floor.

4. Make sure the door to the girls room is open the right amount. This is close to the 6 inch rule for our bathroom door, but there is a little more flexibility here.

5. Make sure the TV is on, but at a low volume, until she is close to sleep. If she is in control of this I get to watch some fat chick cooking and not being able to hear what she is talking about. If I am in control I can watch what I like, but still not hear.

She may also need a little "self-medication" help in the form of a Tylenol PM, but that is only in extreme circumstances. If all five steps are taken care of then it should only take an hour or two for her to drift into dreamland. If any of the above steps are changed while she is sleeping then the chances of her waking are high and it will take another couple of hours for her to get back to sleep. When you throw in visits from our youngest at 2am you can guess what the result is.

I try to skimp on some of the steps, but like the title says, I sleep with the bionic woman. Any flicker of light, variation in white noise or doors open or closed any more or less than the desired amount will be like a blaring alarm to her and will be required to be fixed. The woman has the thinnest eyelids and most sensitive hearing of any one person I know.

Fortunately for me, as I mentioned before, I sleep very well. So even with all the prep that needs to happen I can get the winks I need without much fuss. I love her to death, but I will never understand her sleep issues, thank god!

PEACE OUT DADS!!!

Oh Snap!

When logging on to the Internet the other day I was greeted by some very sad news. After 4 seasons NBC decided to cancel one of their Thursday night hit shows "My Name Is Earl". This came as a big shock to my wife and I. "Earl" was one of our favorites and part of the best tv line-ups ever. The reason given by NBC was declining ratings, which is really hard to believe given it's choice time slot and talented cast. In my opinion the ensemble cast sit-coms that are done well are the best things on television. With more and more reality crap shows taking up prime real estate on televising the great comedy shows are a dieing breed. "My Name Is Earl" had it all, snappy catch-phrases, lovable characters, outrageous situations, and one very hot (and talented) actress, Jamie Presley. I would go as far to say that "Earl" was one our top five shows to watch...

1. 30 Rock - one of the funniest shows I have ever seen

2. The Office - if not for 30 Rock this would be the hands down favorite

3. The New Adventures Of Old Christine - someone finally broke the Seinfeld curse, big time

4. My Name Is Earl - mentioned above

5. Scrubs - suffered same fate as Earl, but brought back by another network

My hope is another network picks up "Earl" too. What other shows have lines like...

"When you go into the witness protection program do they let you pick your own name? Cause if I ever witnessed anything I'm going to name myself Crash Fistfight." - Randy

or...

"Hmm, no, I don't have a gambling problem, I'm winning, and winning is not a problem. That's like saying Michael Jordan has a basketball problem, or Def Leppard has an awesomeness problem. So why don't y'all just pour some sugar on that?" - Earl

and even...

"I hope you get nut cancer." - Joy

Here is hoping some television executive has the grapes to grab "Earl" and put it back on TV. It would be bad karma not too.

PEACE OUT DADS!!!

Creating our sanctuary

When my wife and I bought our house about three and a half years ago all I could think about was the amount of time and money the yard was going to need. It was basically dead grass, overgrown juniper bushes and a collection of weeds. My wife could envision what it could be with a little sweat equity, a beautiful sanctuary for us and a great play area for the girls. I could not! While I do love working out in the yard, this was going to be a monster job, the likes of which we have never seen before. Could we really make this pile of crap look not only decent, but nice enough that we would want to spend any time out there at all? Would our marriage survive the constant back and forth I knew we were going to be dealing with? How will I convince a woman that believes she will be able to make a bed frame for us someday (it's true, but that is a story for another day), into just hiring out the work we want done so I can enjoy my summers like any American Dad should?

I could see no suitable answers for myself, so I just had to live with the fact that I would be spending most of my summer, and a fair amount of cash, fixing up this goat pasture we just bought. Damn, my golf game is really going to suffer, and forget about those spontaneous 3-day weekend trips....oh, and my back, my poor aching back. How am I going to get through this and still be able smile at the end of the day?

That was three and a half years ago. Last night my wife and I enjoyed a glass of wine on our back deck and we both agree we have the sanctuary in place, with only a few more items to take care of. I love it. Somehow we managed to share common design ideas and not bicker about our different opinions. While some of the work was hard, we made it fun and involved the whole family. We took each project one step at a time, always looking ahead to the final product and never rushing to fast to just get it done now. I don't know when my wife became one with the force and starting using her Jedi mind tricks on me, but some how she got me to buy into her vision without much fuss or fight.

So this summer there are a couple more things we want to do, but I think I'll get to relax and enjoy more this summer than I have the previous three. So pass me a beer and turn on the Jimmy Buffett!

PEACE OUT DADS!!!

Weclome to the club young man

Yesterday I took a big step on my way to becoming the ideal "part-time-stay-at-home" dad. My first official adult play date! I don't know if this is even the proper term because it is so new to me. Basically I had some of my kids friends over for a play date and their mom stuck around to chat. Whoa....what a nice deal that is. I mean, most of the time I use the "play-date" to get some things done around the house, but it was genuinely nice to have another adult around to talk to in the afternoon. She sat on down in the kitchen and we talk while I put away dishes. I took her outside to show her our new garden area. I brewed up some coffee to enjoy. Our conversation centered around the kids of course, what summer plans were, schools and teachers. We had the occasional child whining/crying interruptions which were taken care of quickly so as to return to our important discussions. Although I think to truly join the club our talks are going to need to get into more gossip and less small talk. I mean, the way I understand it you can really learn a lot about your community neighbors at these gatherings. I am not veteran enough to warrant such information, but maybe someday.

HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND EVERYBODY!

PEACE OUT DADS!!!

JUST GREAT!!!

I was sitting in my office pondering what to write on the old blog today. I could talk about my little green garbage can (AKA my mini-van) working again, I could talk about some of the funny things my girls have been saying lately, I could even write a follow-up to yesterday's blog (I forgot a couple of other, very important, night time rituals my wife has...she pointed those out to me last night!). At that moment I decided I had to pee. We only have one restroom at our office space, and from my office I heard someone leave. When I turned the corner I saw it was our receptionist. JUST GREAT!!! I was about to enter the "kill zone" again. I don't know if I am weird or not, but I refuse to shit at my office. Like I said, it's a small space and just about everyone here is within ear shot and some within nose shot of it. I will make a run to the closest hotel to do my business if need be. Well, some of those I work with do not share my 'no poop" code, and our receptionist is a prime offender. It would be different I guess if she didn't just wreck it in there. I'm not talking about a little smell, something you can hold your breath for 10 seconds and no harm is done. This is a full on nasal assault. I don't know what that woman eats in the morning, but it sure does a masterful job of clearing her out...way out. Most times I decide to hold it for about a half hour or so and then make my pee run, but I was too far along for that to work. I took on last gulp of fresh air, ran in, took care of business and got out. And just when I think I have survived the worst of it, another co-worker is waiting to use the facilities after me. What in the hell do you think will be going through their head when they enter after I leave. I would love to explain that the smell of roasted dog crap they were about to enjoy was not my doing, but the reception area is too close for the real culprit not to hear...so I just head back to my desk knowing I getting the blame. I should post a memo "NO CRAPPING IN THIS EXTREMELY SMALL SPACE UNLESS YOU ARE WILLING TO TAKE FULL CREDIT FOR YOUR ACTIONS!" Well, at least I found something to write about now.

PEACE OUT DADS!

Sleeping with the bionic woman

When reading the title of this post there is a chance you might think I am writing about something else...something sexual. Before you get too excited please rest assured that this is about sleep, and nothing more than sleep. It should still entertain you, but I didn't want your hopes built up and then squashed like a bug. So with that, here goes...

I am one of those people that has no problem whatsoever sleeping. I fall asleep fast, stay asleep all night, and wake up refreshed and ready for the day (for the most part). My wife on the other hand is the complete and total opposite. It takes her forever to get to sleep, she will wake up at just about anything (to be explained further) and mornings are, let's just say a little rough on her.

Her pre-bed routine goes a little something like this:

1. Make sure all lights are out, including, but not limited too nightlights, street lights, flash lights, lighting and lightning bugs. And I mean out! If you think that closing a door of a bathroom with a nightlight is sufficient, you are so wrong.

2. Make sure the white noise is on and set at the proper volume. In our bedroom the bedroom fan serves this purpose. To control the volume the door to the bathroom must be no more and no less than 6 inches open. Stray from this measurement will only require trying again.

3. Make sure all 6 pillows are in their proper place. I think she could have double this amount, but then I would be sleeping on the floor.

4. Make sure the door to the girls room is open the right amount. This is close to the 6 inch rule for our bathroom door, but there is a little more flexibility here.

5. Make sure the TV is on, but at a low volume, until she is close to sleep. If she is in control of this I get to watch some fat chick cooking and not being able to hear what she is talking about. If I am in control I can watch what I like, but still not hear.

She may also need a little "self-medication" help in the form of a Tylenol PM, but that is only in extreme circumstances. If all five steps are taken care of then it should only take an hour or two for her to drift into dreamland. If any of the above steps are changed while she is sleeping then the chances of her waking are high and it will take another couple of hours for her to get back to sleep. When you through in visits from our youngest at 2am you can guess what the result is.

I try to skimp on some of the steps, but like the title says, I sleep with the bionic woman. Any flicker of light, variation in white noise or doors open or closed any more or less than the desired amount will be like a blaring alarm to her and will be required to be fixed. The woman has the thinnest eyelids and most sensitive hearing of any one person I know.

Fortunately for me, as I mentioned before, I sleep very well. So even with all the prep that needs to happen I can get the winks I need without much fuss. I love her to death, but I will never understand her sleep issues, thank god!

PEACE OUT DADS!!!

Monday thoughts

It's Monday and I don't have one central idea for my post today so I thought I'd just jot down some random thoughts I have....enjoy.

1. There are few things I enjoy more than warm, sunny days and working in the yard with my family. There is something so therapeutic about it....it's better than a day at the spa in my opinion.

2. Two birthday parties in one day is just about one to many for any kid to attend. Besides having to rework your entire schedule to make things go smoothly, you inevitably have to deal with an exhausted kid who will break down at the smallest thing.

3. Making breakfast is something even the most culinary challenge father can do. I was able to multitask a grand meal on Sunday morning that not only was filling, but I think tasted pretty darn good too.

4. Justin Timberlake is very talented. I almost feel guilty saying that, as a 38 year old male...but you gotta give this guy some props. He hosted SNL this past weekend, for the 3rd time, and he hit it out of the park again. I don't want to get ahead of myself, but I may have a small man crush on him...what, forget that part...just keep reading and pretend you didn't read that part.

5. I think my girls and I gave my wife a perfect Mother's Day. She does more for me and our family than I could possibly list and deserves so much in return. I hope she knows how much the girls and I appreciate her.

Enjoy your Monday everyone.

PEACE OUT DADS!!!

wrapping my head around it all

So this is my 40th post...and the only thought in my head is why am I doing this? The next thought is why am I even questioning myself. For as long as humans have roamed the earth men have served as the hunter and provider for their families. If men could not fill this role then what was their purpose? In my family my wife and I have both served this role, with her making as much if not a little more than me with every move we have made. But, like so many other Americans the balance of provider power has shifted to the woman's side. I struggle with feeling like I am not providing like I should plus the guilt with my wife having to carry the burden of being the "almost" sole provider, even though she has told me (as recent at 5 minuets ago in fact) that she is happy with our set up, she likes me spending more time with our girls and not having them in 9 hour day care/school. She has encouraged me to start this blog, to branch out, to think way outside the box of ways to contribute. Is my skull that thick? Is the over inflation of the male ego for the past hundred decades plus brainwashing me to fight this? I have another possible job interview and again I am second guessing myself. WHY??? I have life so good right now. Why does this shit drive me bat shit crazy (Nickleback lyric). I don't know, but what I do know is that I need to start listening to my wife more when it comes to my direction in life. She is the smartest person I know and cares the most for me so I better pay attention to her opinion. I am also going to work the piss out of this blogging thing...but I'm going to need help. I already have found a great resource with Dad Blogs and a couple other great dad blog sites. I need to embrace my new working life, and tell that male ego to shut it! I'm also going to pass on that job interview. It's not a job I want, and I know it's one I don't need. It's part-time-stay-at-home status for this dad....watch out!

PEACE OUT DADS!!!

Going old school

And by "old school" I mean having to walk my kids to school like they did before cars, because my car is dead right now. Yesterday I had finally decided to clean my car out...it was disgusting. I don't know when I reached the point where having a dirty car was OK for me. I think it was one of those things that happen to adults when they have kids. That goes for the house too. It is just damn near impossible to keep things picked up and clean with kids, unless a) you are a "full-time" stay at home parent or b) you have a cleaning person come every single day or c) your kids don't make messes. I know option "c" will never happen, and unless we hit the lottery option "b" is out too. I'm not quite ready for option "a", so there you have it. I digress...so my car was a sty, so yesterday I clean the hell out of it....garbage picked up and thrown away...vacuum every little corner....wipe off all the hard surfaces...that bitch was clean. No longer can my wife call it the little green garbage can (I do drive a green mini-van, but that is a story for another day). Well, somewhere during my car cleaning frenzy I manage to hit a few buttons and my radio goes off (I did have it on while cleaning, somehow listening to 80's hair bands makes the job easier). I try starting it and nothing...dead as a freaking doorknob. This morning I jumped it and it started up no problem, that is until my wife leaves for work and I get the kids all strapped in and try to start it again.....nothing. You can almost see me mouthing the words "son of a bitch" can't you??? So, wife is gone, kids are are ready and car is dead. "Hey kids, how about we walk to school today?" They love the idea, and because we live in such a small town it really does not take us that long, oh, did I mention it was also cold and raining. Yeah, even better. So, I sit here in my office (walked here too) and write this, waiting for my very nice better half to come and rescue me. So, what is the lesson I learned today...fuck cleaning my car again and just deal with the little green garbage can as long as it runs.

PEACE OUT DADS!!!

Getting to the BOTTOM of it all

I think it is so funny how obsessed little kids are with the human private parts. Maybe it's the terminology, maybe it's that you aren't supposed to talk about it, maybe it's just that those are the parts that are covered all the time. Last night in the car my oldest daughter, "K", told my youngest, "R", that she got hit in the "nuts" while at the soccer game. "R" asked what nuts are, and "K" responded, "it's your bottom (you see in our house there is the back bottom and the front bottom...very technical). "R" replies "oh, do you mean your undercarriage?", a term they have heard the cousins use when describing these body parts - hats off to Austin Powers. I have to always make sure that "R" is no where near the shower when I exit, or I'll get a stare down like the guys in their "Balls Out Jeans!" "R" made the comment to my wife the other day that "Daddy's bottom hangs down"...classic! This is just a fraction of the entertainment value of having kids....god love 'em!

PEACE OUT DADS!!!

Well, I didn't want that job anyway!

As I mentioned in a previous post (http://whatnowdad.blogspot.com/2009/04/random-thoughts.html) I have a tremendous opportunity this summer to spend a lot of time with my family, and not have the worry of working 9-5. In an attempt to screw this up I applied and interviewed for a job a couple of weeks back and really, truly thought I had a good shot at it. I was just informed that they offered the job to someone else, but thanked me for applying. So, it looks like the summer of fun is on, so why do I feel so rejected???

On another, completely different, topic there was a metal hexagon nut in my dinner last night. The dinner in question was spinach and cheese manicotti from Frankly Fresh purchased at Costco. Yummy!!!

PEACE OUT DADS!!!

Using allowance for slave labor

My oldest "K" had discovered the power of allowance recently, and my wife and I have discovered that you can really get your child to do more with motivated by money. Another great thing we have going for us is that "K" has her eyes on a pretty expensive toy, and will do darn near anything to earn the cash to get it. I can remember back to my youth, saving every last penny so I could buy something new for myself. It will be a double bonus when we can get our youngest, "R", to feel the same way, but staying true to her form she could care less about it....but she did say she would save up for a plastic set of golf clubs you can get at Wal-Mart for about $5. It's good to have goals.

PEACE OUT DADS!!!

QUESTIONS, QUESTIONS!!!

Am I the only Dad that feels like he fields more questions in one day than Alex Trebek has over his whole career on Jeopardy? My kids, especially my youngest "R", can weave a web of questions that after a while has my head spinning so much that I feel like driving my car straight into the next stop sign. I love how curious they are, and I love being able to answer their questions and fill their heads with information....but there are times I just want to say "please stop asking me questions and let me be!" But then I am reminded that in the not so far away future the questions will be asked less, and less and maybe even stop. That worries me more than anything else. So, what is your next question?

PEACE OUT DADS!!!

"Let's wrestle dad!"

Whenever my wife is out of town my girls ask if we can WRESTLE before bed. We don't do this activity when my wife is home because she thinks it gets the kids too wound up before bed, and she is probably right about that. But when it's just me,our bedroom becomes a handicapped, two-on-one, no holds barred, wrestlemania. The girls LOVE IT even when I have them piled on top of each other with no where to escape. Rough housing is something that I think only fathers and their kids can truly appreciate.

PEACE OUT DADS!!!

How ya like me now baby?

This is an attempt to make my blog entries more visually interesting. It was BROUGHT to my attention that I should make my entries shorter with paragraph breaks

and different looking fonts. This advise comes from the two people in my life that probably know the most about blogs and blogging, my wife and mother. My father can't understand the appeal of blogs and why anyone would waste their time writing or reading them. This is close to the same position I held not too long ago. I did tell him the "mom blogger who makes $40k a month" story and that just made him hold he position even stronger! I am a convert (shhhhhh), and this blog will become something important in my life someday, I think...maybe. We'll just have to wait and see.

So....how's it looking?

PEACE OUT DADS!!!