Sorry, I don't speak baby talk!

WHAT NOW?

One of the greatest joys of parenthood, in my opinion, is hearing your baby speak for the very first time. This is one of those huge moments for any parent (and for the baby too I suppose). The feelings you get can't be described and nobody will understand it until they can experience it themselves with their own child. It almost makes you want to have more, but then you slap yourself, take a cold shower, pour a big ol' glass of wine and remember all the other stuff that comes with a babies first words, like the 5 million diaper changes.

So, why is it that for me there is nothing as pure and wonderful as a baby's first words, but when my 5-year old talks baby talk I want to drive nails through my ears? Nothing drives me up the wall more than that and it seems like the more I tell her to stop it, the more she does it. I understand that all kids go through stages, and the baby talking stage is bound to rear it's ugly head eventually, but my god it has to stop and soon, or I just might trade in the 5-year-old for a real baby so help me God!

I remember a girl in my wife's sorority that constantly talked like a baby. BITCH PLEEZE!!! I mean come on! She was very attractive, somewhat intelligent, had a great personality and was very popular with the boys (maybe too popular if you know what I mean). When I would talk to her and she would break out the baby talk I would, in my mind of course, look at her like she had lobsters crawling out of her ears. I always wondered if she did that during sexy time? I can't even imagine what a guy would do, either laugh out loud, run and hide or punch her in the throat. Then again it was college, and most horny college guys will put up with pretty much anything to get laid, right?

So if anybody out there in daddy blog land has been down this road to madness with their little angel I would love a little advice. I don't want to trade in the 5-year-old, besides the baby talk I've grown very fond of her. Until I get this thing fixed my posts might have a wee bit of crazy laced in them....just another day for the part-time-stay-at-home dad!

PEACE OUT DADS!!!

That kid is gonna be a d-bag when he grows up!

WHAT NOW?

Two warnings before you read this post:

1. If you are offended by course language you should probably stop now, I feel a rant coming on.
2. If you think all small children are god's creatures and can do no wrong, you better also skip this one.

OK, let's get this party started. Today was my youngest daughters end of the school year picnic. This was a big deal for her because next year she starts kindergarten and thus ends our need to pay for any kind of childcare during the school year (can you say mini-raise!). So, like any good part-time-stay-at-home Dad I volunteer to go with the group and help out. As a general rule I try to stay away from these type of functions because a) I don't like most other little kids, strange for a parent I know...and b) I really don't like most of the other parents at this preschool. It would take a long post for me to really get into details about that, but let's just say they are not really my type of people, good or bad.

So, here I am at the annual "kids going crazy and teachers looking homicidal" picnic, trying to keep an eye on other kids while really only concerned with mine, and I notice one of her classmates acting like a...well, like a douche bag. He is the kind of kid you know will be a douche bag when he is a teenager, and a douche bag when he is a young adult, and more than likely a douche bag when he is older and having little douche bags of his own. It's not that hard to pick them out. I instantly want to pick this little shit up by the scruff of his neck and drop kick him into the nearby game of parachute lift going on a few feet away (do you remember that...getting all the kids around a parachute and having them flip it around like a bed sheet and then ducking underneath it and making a mushroom...I loved that game).

I take a deep breath and tell this little boy politely to please stop doing what he is doing and he shoots me a look like "Fuck you old man!" and then walks away. Why the hell do I volunteer for this torture. I stroll over to the picnic shelter for a little adult time and start a pleasant conversation with one of the many moms there helping (I am the only adult male there...great in a bar, not so hot at the preschool picnic) and then one of my least favorite parents strolls up and attempts to join in...who the hell is this space invader. Is she getting her rules of engagement from that little shit giving me the finger from the swing set? Frick and frack!

Other than that everyone had a lovely time and the picnic was a complete success...now I must drink myself into a coma!

PEACE OUT DADS!

Tiny little destructive minds

Today after I picked the girls up from school we stopped by a local construction site to check it out. After pulling up I noticed a friend of mine, the contractor of the job, was there so he gave us a first class tour of the project and gave us all sorts of great information. What an amazing opportunity for my girls to see something like this up close, to be able to talk to the person in charge of it and ask him questions (and maybe stop asking me questions for like 5 minuets). So, what does my 7 year old ask when given this golden opportunity..."what would happen if that crane fell over?" What??? Of all the questions she could ask she comes up with a questions like that. My 5 year old follows up with "what if one of the guys working up there fell off?" Come on, where are they getting this stuff. I know there is way too much violence on TV, but not the shows they are watching. Is Elmo falling to his death in Sesame Street? Did Bob the Builder get run over by one of his machine friends? Did Dora's map take her over a cliff? After a little chuckle my friend just said those would be bad things, but probably wouldn't happen. Then the seven year old comes back with "but what if it did?" For some reason I picture the movie playing in their head is not rated "G" and features buildings collapsing and people crashing to the ground. I, of course, try to steer them back in a kid friendly direction when I hear, and they see, one of the workers drop a piece of plywood about 100 feet with a very destructive crash at the end. I'm thinking "come on buddy, how about a little help here?" The seven year old didn't miss a beat and asked "what if we were under that?"

PEACE OUT DADS!!!

Creating our sanctuary

When my wife and I bought our house about three and a half years ago all I could think about was the amount of time and money the yard was going to need. It was basically dead grass, overgrown juniper bushes and a collection of weeds. My wife could envision what it could be with a little sweat equity, a beautiful sanctuary for us and a great play area for the girls. I could not! While I do love working out in the yard, this was going to be a monster job, the likes of which we have never seen before. Could we really make this pile of crap look not only decent, but nice enough that we would want to spend any time out there at all? Would our marriage survive the constant back and forth I knew we were going to be dealing with? How will I convince a woman that believes she will be able to make a bed frame for us someday (it's true, but that is a story for another day), into just hiring out the work we want done so I can enjoy my summers like any American Dad should?

I could see no suitable answers for myself, so I just had to live with the fact that I would be spending most of my summer, and a fair amount of cash, fixing up this goat pasture we just bought. Damn, my golf game is really going to suffer, and forget about those spontaneous 3-day weekend trips....oh, and my back, my poor aching back. How am I going to get through this and still be able smile at the end of the day?

That was three and a half years ago. Last night my wife and I enjoyed a glass of wine on our back deck and we both agree we have the sanctuary in place, with only a few more items to take care of. I love it. Somehow we managed to share common design ideas and not bicker about our different opinions. While some of the work was hard, we made it fun and involved the whole family. We took each project one step at a time, always looking ahead to the final product and never rushing to fast to just get it done now. I don't know when my wife became one with the force and starting using her Jedi mind tricks on me, but some how she got me to buy into her vision without much fuss or fight.

So this summer there are a couple more things we want to do, but I think I'll get to relax and enjoy more this summer than I have the previous three. So pass me a beer and turn on the Jimmy Buffett!

PEACE OUT DADS!!!

Weclome to the club young man

Yesterday I took a big step on my way to becoming the ideal "part-time-stay-at-home" dad. My first official adult play date! I don't know if this is even the proper term because it is so new to me. Basically I had some of my kids friends over for a play date and their mom stuck around to chat. Whoa....what a nice deal that is. I mean, most of the time I use the "play-date" to get some things done around the house, but it was genuinely nice to have another adult around to talk to in the afternoon. She sat on down in the kitchen and we talk while I put away dishes. I took her outside to show her our new garden area. I brewed up some coffee to enjoy. Our conversation centered around the kids of course, what summer plans were, schools and teachers. We had the occasional child whining/crying interruptions which were taken care of quickly so as to return to our important discussions. Although I think to truly join the club our talks are going to need to get into more gossip and less small talk. I mean, the way I understand it you can really learn a lot about your community neighbors at these gatherings. I am not veteran enough to warrant such information, but maybe someday.

HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND EVERYBODY!

PEACE OUT DADS!!!