Sunday, June 28, 2009

The bed trilogy, or..."you might smell something"


My last two posts dealt with my my number 1a and number 1b favorite activities in bed, that being sex and sleep. I am a big fan of trilogies so I thought why not keep the theme going for one more post. But, instead of talking about my 3rd favorite bed activity (which would probably be watching tv...but who wants to read about that?) I will talk about my least favorite thing that happens in bed...flatulence! You know, the dutch oven, or as described in the Urban Dictionary by Lution Stackridge Esquire:

"Blowing hard ass wind under the covers several times and building up stench while your old lady is brushing her teeth and getting ready for bed, then when she gets into bed, pull the covers over her head and yell "Dutch Oven" and let her enjoy the stench of your ass gas for at least 30 seconds"

I don't know exactly what kind of marriage Mr. Stackridge has (pretty open minded I guess) but I don't take the Dutch Oven practice to that extreme. I won't say I abstain from the activity, I am probably as guilty as say, the person that sleeps next to me. But really, why is it that passing a little gas is so much worse in bed? I have smelt things under my sheets that would make teenage boys go crying to their mama. It's like our dog ate 3 day old baked beans, ninja'd her way under our sheets, took a huge growler, and got out Mission Impossible style right before I get into bed. If my better half decides to play this game it is usually proceeded by terms like "you might smell something" or "Don't come in here" or "I think I may have tooted". YA THINK??? What was your first clue, they giant mushroom cloud rising from the middle of our covers? I am much less subtle with my approach. The only warning my wife gets from me drilling farts into our mattress is the monstrous sounds coming from my innards about 2 seconds before the stench hits the air. I usually follow up these thunder claps with "ooops" or "what that me" or "Maggie, bad dog".

After one particularly loud and foul exchange, my wife, after the usual "come one" she starts in with "I may fart, but I never, EVER, do it in bed!" I had to turn on the lights to make sure I was sleeping with the right woman.

Farting in bed is something I think just becomes more acceptable the longer you are with someone. I think my wife and I have made and art form out of it, which give me a little cause for concern thinking about the next 50 or so years we will be together.



  1. Oh dear, I think I will have to stay annonymous when I admit to cooking up some pretty impressive "dutch ovens". thanks for the laugh!

  2. Hey, Thanks for The Shout Out!

    its all good. . . under the covers :)

    Lution Stackridge Esquire (yes, it's really me)