Thursday, June 18, 2009

Open the flood gates


I have found something that I truly excel at. If I could find a way to earn money by performing this act of mine I am sure we could retire millionaires. It's not something I enjoy, and I feel horrible each and every time it happens and if I could I would never do it again. But, I know it will happen, a lot, for the rest of my life. What is this tremendous yet horrible gift I possess? Making my children cry. I have become very good at it over the years. I don't even have to lay a hand on them, and sometimes I don't even need to say a word. But, it happens, it seems over, and over, and over again. Like I said before, I don't like doing it, and I feel horribly guilty each and every time it happens. I can say that it only happens when I have to discipline them, which in my mind is way too often. My wife does a decent job of it herself, but in baseball terms she is still working her way through the minor leagues while I have established all-star status. If only the would listen to the words that come out of my mouth, and do the things I ask. If they did then I would have to take my talents back to the dog, and she just runs away instead of crying her eyes out. My oldest is the easy target. I have a look that, when used right, can send her into a crying fit only a man hit in the nuts with a sock full of pennies could rival. My youngest is a tougher nut to crack, only because she will use any and all means of negotiation while I try to grind her down. Soon enough not even her amazing skill of not caring what I say will break down and I'll have her sobbing like a baby getting her first teeth. As they get older the crying will continue I'm sure, but the reasons for it will change. Not being able to jump on the table will be replaced by not getting the must have outfit, then not being alone in her room with a boy, then not dating until she is 35, then...well, you get the point. I have a feeling this is a vicious cycle that will continue for some time to come. Maybe I could find a way to harness their crying to create a new energy source that could free us from the power of the local utility company, or save up the tears they shed and use them to water our garden each summer. Then maybe I won't feel so bad the next time it happens, or the next, or the next.....



  1. Man oh man, so many of us are right there with ya!

    Happy Fathers Day!

  2. I too can make my children cry with a look. Though for some odd reason I don't feel so guilty about it. I agree, if they would only listen AND remember what I say it wouldn't have to happen.

  3. In terms of money making - Simon Cowell has done well enough out of a similar skill set.

    I feel your pain - Yes if only there was a big switch in their heads that you could flick - that gave them the ability to hear what you say when they are doing wrong!

    Why is it that if you half mention a potential treat that there hearing is 100%?

  4. Have a great Father's Day. Discipline is the hardest part of the job, but one of the most important.